New Year, New Me!....or Something Like That

Goodbye 2017, and hello 2018! As 2018 begins, I'm having to come to terms with the fact that adulthood is almost in sight, and preparations need to be made. I've basically got my entire life planned out, although I am the first person to say that "adulting" is not for me and I won't be ready, etc, etc. These millennials, am I right? Despite this, I do feel like I am at least moderately ready to face adulthood with the essentials skills to be a productive human being. With this in mind, I do have a few resolutions that I feel will only further prepare me for this somewhat daunting task. First and foremost, I want to stop attempting to please everyone around me. I am somewhat (okay, completely) a people-pleaser, simply because other happiness is what I thrive on. However, in the midst of my people-pleasing, I sometimes forget that I am a person who matters as well, so I'm going to make 2018 a year of self-love. Secondly, I want to attempt to tackle my immense fear of change. I am a very routine based person who thrives on stability and knowing what to expect. However, I'm approaching a point in my life where change is inevitable, so I'm trying to teach myself that change can be a good thing. This may be my most difficult resolution, honestly. Thirdly, I am going to try my best to stop living in the past. My relationship with my father was originally very rocky, but has improved majorly, especially here recently, but it is still difficult to place my trust in him completely. My relationship with my stepfather is completely shattered, and is beginning to affect the relationship I have with my mother, which is a relationship I value more than any amount of money or gems in existence. My past romantic relationship and how horribly it ended is majorly impacting my relationship with a boy who thinks the world of me. I want to be able to move past all of that, and embrace these relationships with an open heart and a clear head, but trust issues are not so easily abandoned, so this will definitely be a major thing to tackle this year. Fourthly, I am going to attempt to stop over thinking. Although, that seems like it would be wishful thinking, so I want to at least lessen my tendency to do so. I second guess myself more than I'd like to admit, and I don't think it's completely a bad thing, because I tend to take a step back and look at things from a logical standpoint. However, it does cause me to be less productive and adds a ton of unnecessary stress. Fifthly, I want to stop being afraid to be different. Well, it's not really that I'm afraid, because I've come to appreciate how wonderfully weird I am, but I want to make a point to completely embrace all that I am with everything I've got. There's only one me, and you've gotta love yourself before anyone else can, or so I've been told, anyways. Sixth, I definitely want to stop sacrificing my happiness for others. This is kind of piggy-backing off of my first resolution, but it's not quite the same. I still want to make others happy, I do, because it's what makes me happiest, but it's sometimes at my own expense, and that's not always a good thing. 2018 is going to be a year when I embrace myself and learn that I deserve happiness just as much as the next person. Seventh, I am going to stop believing that I am not good enough. My self esteem is... non-existent, basically. When someone compliments me, whether it be on something physical or a personality trait, I tend to use all of my brain power to explain to them why they are wrong. Why do I do this? I have not a singular earthly clue, but I've done it for as long as I can remember. Liking myself is something I've never really felt the need to do. To love one's self is to be vain, or so I've always thought. It's not something that comes easily to me, and most likely never will be, because I know myself better than anyone else, so I could easily point out every flaw I have. However, there's not enough time in the world to do that, so I instead have been trying to love my flaws since they are what make me Hannah. Lastly, I want to stop believing that I have no purpose. For years, I believed I had no purpose. Then I believed my purpose was to make others happy. Then, I realized I mattered, too, so I've been trying to conceive an idea of what my life's purpose is. Why am I here? I'm sure there are several religious, spiritual, and biological answers to that question, but none of those answers are what I'm looking for. Writing is my passion, but is that what I was made to do? Making others happy brings me joy, but surely I was made for some other reason than to just be entertainment for others. So I want to continue that search for what I was made for, because I know I have a purpose, I just haven't found it yet.