Excerpts Of A Book I'll Never Write #1

I call this piece "Numb", and this is one of my favorite pieces I've ever written. I didn't intend for the pieces in this series to be this lengthy, but this piece seemed to almost write itself. Just for clarification, the normal print is what is currently taking place, the italics are flashbacks, and the bold is text messages. Enjoy:)

Numb

Raindrops ran down the windows, leaving small watery trails behind.

“I’m back…I couldn’t handle being away any longer…I’ve missed you.”

“But…it’s been so long…I’ve moved on. I don’t feel the same.”

Thunder crashed outside and my eyes flew open, just as clouded over as the sky outside.

“I’ve waited so long for this, please don’t leave. I’ve missed you so much.”

“Noah, I’m sorry, but there’s just not anything there anymore. When you walked out that last time, you took those feelings with you. I’m so sorry.”

My phone laid on the floor beside the couch, the screen cracked into an intricate spider web. After leaving voicemail after voicemail, seeing it had just become too hard.

“Sophie, please answer my calls. We’ve got to be able to work something out…it’s been so hard not seeing you. I dream of you almost every night, and then I have to wake up and face the reality that you’re not here. That feeling is like dying.”

Why does this hurt so much? I was able to walk out on her time and time again, but it never hurt me then. Why now? Why now, of all times, am I left so broken and numb?

“If you want me so bad, then please just tell me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Why, no, how could you choose to look me in the eye, and then walk out that door?”

“You act like I had a choice.”

“You ALWAYS have a choice!”

“I thought it’d be best for you.”

“It’s not your place to decide that.”

The couch where we had once sat together, held each other, and many other things, was now littered with clothes I hadn’t had the energy to put away and fast food wrappers. The coffee table that was once covered with Polaroid pictures of us together was now covered in cigarette butts and empty bottles.

“I need you. You don’t understand…I’m such a mess without you.”

“It’s nice to finally understand something for once, isn’t it?”

I’m past the point of tears. All I have left in me is blank stares, and they’ve become the only expression my face will hold.

“Is there any chance that you’ll ever come back to me?”

“I don’t know, Noah. I honestly don’t know.”

I ruined everything. She hates me, and I don’t blame her at all. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more, and I broke her.

“If you wanted to leave so badly, why did you always come back?”

“Sophie…I’m in love with you. I can’t stay away from you.”

Everything suddenly made sense. All the nights I’d walked out…I was feeling everything she’d felt. All the torture and pain…I understood now.

“Noah! Noah, please! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I can change, I promise. Just please don’t leave me! Please!”

“Baby, it’s not you, it’s me. It’s always been me.”

“No, Noah, please. You’ve been perfect, please stay. Please don’t leave me, I couldn’t take it.”

“Sophie, please stop. You’re making this so much harder than it needs to be.”

“Leaving me is supposed to be easy?”

An angry fit overcame me and I was throwing things. Anything in reach was getting flung at the wall, shattering. Nothing was safe, I wanted everything to be as shattered as I was.

My phone buzzed on the opposite side of the room, becoming the only light source in the dark room except for the dim gray shining through the window.

Sophie: I think I’m ready to talk…

A smaller glimmer of something lit up inside me, and it felt like hope.

Me: Oh baby thank god I missed you so much

Sophie: Please don’t do that right now I can’t handle it

Me: …I’m sorry

Sophie: I’m on my way

My phone died in my hands and I let it fall to the floor. Breathing was suddenly coming much easier to me. I slid down the wall I was leaned against and rested my face in my hands.

“Noah, why would you do this to yourself?”

My eyes opened and there she stood. Innocent green eyes were filled with concern and staring down at me. She crouched down and cupped my face in her hands.

“Baby, answer me.”

“I missed you.”

She shook her head. “So you trashed the house? Baby, look at you.” She gently picked up one of my hands and held it so I could see. Glass had sliced my hands and a slow stream of blood dripped off my fingers. “You didn’t notice you were bleeding?”

“Since you left, I’ve just been…numb.”

She ran her fingers through my hair. “It’s okay, I’m here now. I’m here.”

“You’re staying?”

“Yes.”

“But I thought…I thought you were gone for good.”

She shook her head. “I could never stay gone.”

“Really? You mean that?”

She sighed and shifted to sit down. “Noah, you crushed me. You took my heart, and shattered it. But the thing is, I still love you with all of those tiny broken worthless pieces. And it kills me that I broke you, even if you deserved it. I can’t just leave you like this. I couldn’t live with myself.”

“Baby-“

“Let me finish. I have this theory. I think that we’re meant to be shattered, you and I. We’re meant to be composed of broken pieces. And that’s so that when we’re together, we fit together so perfectly that nothing will ever be able to break us again.”

She set her hand on my leg and smiled sadly. “You just gotta tell me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Say you won’t leave me. Even if you don’t mean it, please just let me hear you say it.”

I could do nothing but stare at her. She waited a moment, her face falling slowly before she finally sighed and stood up. “That’s what I thought. That’s it, Noah. I’m done. With you. With us. With all of this. Your words that mean one thing and your actions say something completely different. I see clearly now that if you genuinely wanted to give me your time and affection, you wouldn’t make me cry and beg for them.”

“Sophie, wait.”

“Why?” She turned and looked at me. “Give me one good reason I should even pause to hear what you have to say?”

“Because you love me.”

Her face took on a pained expression and she nodded slightly.

“I’m so sorry. You have no idea how much I love you, or how much I hate myself for doing this to you. I’m so hard to love. I’m…I’m hollow and hard around the edges. But then there’s these rare occasions when somebody is brave enough to take the leap and I give it all up before anything can begin. But you’re different, I just know it. You’re actually breaking through these walls I had built up and it scares me so I ran. But I also ran back. You’re my lifeline, Sophie. I’m so in love with you and you’re so just…amazing and breathtaking and electric. It’s hard to keep up, but I want to try. I want you. I want this. I want us. Please don’t give up on me, not yet. I’m just learning how to do this, and I’m learning for you. Because you’re worth it.”

She looked at me with a look of awe on her face. “You really mean that?”

I nodded and Sophie crossed the room and crouched in front of me, cupping my face once more and gently kissing my lips.

I pulled away and smiled and she rested her forehead against mine. “You still numb?”

“Nah, my hand kind of hurts, we should probably do something about this.”

Sophie’s music-like giggle filled my ears and my broken world fell back into place.