I Would Have Followed You Across The Universe

I think that throughout one's life, a person changes many times as their experiences shape them into a different person. The most outgoing, happy individual could be made into a pessimistic, apathetic individual if something negative happens that they don't know how to cope with. One thing that for sure shapes you into a different person is one's first love, and I will share with you the experience of mine. For the first year of knowing this person, we were a little more than acquaintances, and a little less than friends. Then one day, we both looked deep into the others eyes, and it was as if my soul had been set on fire. He was my drug, my escape, my everything, and everything between us was perfect. Picturesque, almost. I would have done anything, said anything, been anything for him. Then, as with most things, the perfection came to an end, and the 4-month period of pure flawlessness was thrown into another 4 months of pure torture. We, as a couple, were characterized by screaming matches over the phone, days upon days of nothing but snide comments, and hours of my life spent locked in the bathroom, curled into a ball, crying my eyes out. Of course it was toxic, but does anyone ever really know when to stop? Despite the verbal and mental abuse I was subjected to, my heart was his, and I was still terrified to lose him. I lost myself, and I still don't think I've ever really gotten what he took from me back. The relationship soon ended when he decided that in order for me to ever love him, I needed to fix me, so he broke up with me on my birthday. It was as if I'd been spit on. How could he tell me I didn't love him? How was any of it my fault? And on my birthday of all days? I was numb for the next few weeks. I'd dealt with loss all of my life, but never on this scale. Never had it felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and shattered in front of me. I spent weeks trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what I needed to fix. I was problematic, obviously, or why else would things have ended the way they did? I soon came to the realization that it wasn't me, and it never was. I all but laid down my life for him, only to have him make me seem like a fool for doing so. Yes, I tried to be a different person. I closed my mouth more. I tried to be softer, prettier, less awake, less fiery. But one can't make a home out of a human being, and it was difficult for me to finally realize that. He wanted to leave, so I finally let him go, figuratively speaking. Sure, I could be strange and terrifying, but I was also beautiful and full of life, something he could never be. I'm something not everyone knows how to love, and maybe that's a good thing. My heart can be saved for someone deserving, someone who heals my soul and makes my scars seem beautiful.